I would like to apologize to everyone for not writing as often as I used too. I will make an effort to post an entry every week.
These past couple weeks have been rough for me. In it I have found myself at a low point in my spiritual prowess. I was in a mindset that I will change, I can stop doing what I’m doing at any point, Allah will correct me. This is never the case. We know from looking inside ourselves that what we hate about ourselves is the one thing that sometimes rules us. We find that the thing we are trying to run away from is that same thing that we keep coming back to. Now for everyone this “thing”, this sin, is different. For some it is watching pornography, for others its backbiting, no matter what it is we all carry within our hearts something that we do on a regular bases and it makes us feel like we cant trust ourselves.
We feel disappointed in ourselves, we cry, yell, beat ourselves up mentally and emotionally thinking that there is something deeply wrong with us. This leads to depression, and creates distance from us and Islam. Since we don’t feel good about ourselves, we feel ashamed, why should we worship Allah in such a state? This is the work of shaytan. He makes us feel as if we are not worthy enough to even stand in front of Allah and ask for His forgiveness. He makes us think that we can never change, that we don’t need to change. On the other side, Allah swt awaits us with His Infinite Mercy. He waits in patience that we will ask for His help, for His forgiveness. He is never disappointed in us, rather He is patient with us. That maybe we will remember Him, that maybe this time we will pray to Him and ask Him to help us change our ways.
In a recent lecture that I was listening to, Nouman Ali Khan made a very astute point. He said that unlike our human emotions, how they go up and down. How we feel happy at certain times and miserable at others, Allah’s Mercy towards us is constant, it is infinite. Don’t think of Him like us, don’t think that you have made so many mistakes why would He forgive me, no! Rather feel a sense of awe that He is waiting to forgive you of all your sins if you just ask Him. Think of the Pharaoh. How evil he was, how much sin he committed, and even with him Allah remained patient that he might change.
I want to end with this point because I think this is something that we all face daily. We want to be able to feel Allah, we want to feel Him in our hearts when we pray and if we don’t then we are discouraged from praying, we don’t focus in it. I want to share something with you that I learned today. If we are praying to a feeling, then we are not worshipping Allah we are worshipping a feeling. To pray to Allah is beyond that, to worship Him because He is Allah. He is our Lord, our Sustainer, our Creator. We must worship Him no matter what, no matter how far or close we feel we are from Him.
InshAllah we can dust of our hearts and gain closeness to this amazing religion, to our beloved Allah.